busunl: great job for your first poetry piece!! It has some great rhymes, and makes perfectly great sense! I guess, I should tell ya a couple of 'cons' of your poem so this message isn't totally worthless, and unhelpful (by just saying: great job.)

1. The rhyming scheme works, but is very well used already... what if you created a new scheme, or chose to use one that is less overused?
   
2. Possibly think about creating a longer poem... when I wrote my first Perl poem for this section of the monastery, I didn't know what to do really, and my poem was only about 4 or 5 lines too...

Well, I guess that is all the advice I have to give for ya!! Hope it helps... and keep at it!! ^_^

bladx ~ ¡muchas veces tengo preguntas!