• That's 5-6-6, not 5-7-6 - right on the 17 syllables
• The whole '5-7-5' thing becomes a bit redundant if you're not working in Japanese, where the idea is to do it in 17 *characters* - translating characters to syllables just doesn't work in practice. Probably Basho's most famous haiku is usually translated into English as...

  Old pond
  a frog leaps in
  water's sound.
  [download]

• Further to that, the whole syllables thing is less important than the phrasing - the split of the haiku into two definite parts - idea and expansion, or question and answer. In this respect, I have to say that I prefer this one to your own.

Cheers, Ben.

Doh... guess he's not the one who can't count.

~~
naChoZ