That's 5-6-6, not 5-7-6 - right on the 17 syllables
The whole '5-7-5' thing becomes a bit redundant if you're not working in Japanese, where the idea is to do it in 17 *characters* - translating characters to syllables just doesn't work in practice. Probably Basho's most famous haiku is usually translated into English as...
Further to that, the whole syllables thing is less important than the phrasing - the split of the haiku into two definite parts - idea and expansion, or question and answer. In this respect, I have to say that I prefer this one to your own.